With the recent death of my cousin, I have had to take a long hard look at how I view relationships and people in general, especially my own family. I was not close with my cousin. In fact, I can only think of two times that I have met her, one being the day of my wedding. I know there are more, I was just too young to remember. Even so, she was my family. The oldest daughter of my dad's oldest brother.
I have had a hard time with her death, one reason being that she leaves behind two kids, my sweet second cousins, and another being how I reacted toward her coming to my wedding. We had planned on inviting only our parent's siblings, but none of their children since most of them are grown and some with their own families, and we simply could not afford to invite every single person we knew. My dad was visiting my grandmother one day and my cousin, Jen, was also visiting. The wedding was brought up and Jen asked when she was going to get in an invite. My dad, being the sweet man that he is, did not inform her that she was not being invited and I was told to send her an invite. I remember being so irritated that she invited herself, and I also remember not talking to her very much at the wedding.
I could just kick myself in the mouth for my actions. I was being so self-centered and childish. Whether or not I knew her very well, she was my family. It has taken me a long long time to realize how important family really is. I can't even express in words why, but I think most people who haven't been as selfish as I have know what I mean. It wasn't until she passed that I realized how much I really do love her, even if only because we are related.
Another reason why I have had such a hard time with her death is because of how she died in a car crash. One of my biggest fears is to make a family with Jeremy and then either him or me dying in a car accident. It is something that sometimes consumes my mind. I try to tell myself that it is irrational, but I don't believe that it is. It can happen at any given moment to any given person. For it to become a reality to someone in my family has gripped my heart so tightly that I haven't known how to deal with it, except to hold on to my loved ones even tighter and to never ever take them or our lives for granted.
Something else I have been thinking a lot about is how I view people in a general sense. I am so sick and tired of instantly judging people and picking out their faults. I have always prided myself in being discerning and being able to read people extremely well. Which is all fine and well except I have used it as an excuse to be judgmental, as if I can read a person's character within five seconds of meeting them. I hate that I do this. If I am going to judge a person's character, I want to see the good in them. I can't love people the way I should if I focus on what I think their downfalls are. It's impossible. I want love to take over the cynicism that resides in me.
I have always hated the idea of New Year's resolutions. Everyone has their lists that they one by one let go by the wayside as the year progresses. But I must admit that there is something to be said about the year changing into anew, bringing on a fresh start.
My New Year's resolution is this: to treat each day as a fresh start, to begin each day remembering all that has been given to me and to not take it for granted.
On a lighter note, 2012 promises some very exciting events for the Wrinkle-Bachers!
I will be officially starting the Graphic Design program at ISU in January.
I will be running a half marathon in April.
2012 Summer Conference in June.
Visiting family in Alaska in July.
Wrinkle family reunion in Alabama in August.
Jeremy graduating from UIS in December.
I wish everyone a happy and fun filled New Year!
♥TB
